In-law relationships by nature are complicated. Even in the most amazing in-law relationships, confusion about family roles, alliances, and decision-making can be present. It can be most confusing, in fact, when you love your in-laws, when they are supportive, yet there is still a feeling of unspoken tension about who is aligned with whom and who has power in the family.
If your partner is close with their family, or is not emotionally close but is in some way locked in a dynamic with them, they may be unconsciously conflicted about the natural and necessary process of moving their loyalty away from their family and toward you.
Read on to find out more about this process, and some practical guidance for working with it.
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We are all about using engagement to create a conscious foundation for your marriage. This Kinship Moment will help you talk about your wedding planning gender roles with your partner! The exercise below will ask each of you to think and share about your roles in wedding planning, to help determine how to delegate responsibilities, how to support each other, and how to use this time to connect more deeply.
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How familiar does this dynamic sound: The bride-figure creates the Pinterest boards, starts brainstorming with their friends, begins research for vendors—the groom-figure takes a step back to "support" and give their "approval" when necessary. The bride stresses about family dynamics, table settings, and *the* dress—the groom offers his advice but may be shut down or dismissed. When the wedding is done, the bride reflects on what she could have done to make the day smoother, and feels responsible for any issues or mishaps.
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So you're engaged... now what? Make sure you're on top of it with our wedding checklist!
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We're showing you some techniques for calming TF down when in conflict with your partner!⠀
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Oftentimes as we grow up and become adults, the parent-child roles change as we become more independent and make our own decisions. With difficult issues like the pandemic (and trying to plan a wedding during it!) and the upcoming election at our forefront, disagreements with parents and other family can seem inevitable—but through communication and setting boundaries, tough conversations can feel a little less scary. Here are some tips for navigating family disagreements and heated convos.
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Today marks our one year anniversary as a married couple! Thinking back on that day, and the period of time leading up to it, brings up a mix of feelings - I'm feeling tearful, nostalgic, and grateful; so joyful that the day was so beautiful and special; and also some residual pain around difficult parts. All of this was the impetus for me to create Kinship Collaborative.
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For all of us who are living in this current unprecedented time of contagion, lockdowns, layoffs and resource shortage, there is uncertainty about even the most basic aspects of daily life - when we can return to work, restaurants and gyms, when our collective health and wellbeing will feel less at risk, when will society return to “normal.” No one knows. And, despite that these are indeed unprecedented times causing unprecedented uncertainty, it’s worth appreciating that uncertainty is sort of the name of the game when you are a human, and our current state is simply an exaggerated form of the uncertainty that comes with being alive..
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Induced feelings—what are they? Why do certain people often make us feel crazy..or jealous…or rejected? How we feel when we are in the presence of a particular person may be important information about both that person and our own self. And, if we can leverage this information, we have the potential to gain a better understanding of our loved ones and how our relationships operate! We are constantly transferring our emotions to one another—and we often do this for the purpose of finding emotional balance and getting rid of emotions that don’t feel good to us. The strategy looks like this: if I am feeling a certain kind of way that I don't like, I will unconsciously (I may not realize I am doing it) find a way to get rid of that emotion and have someone else contain it for me. The way I might do that is by behaving in a way that transfers that emotion to them.
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Have you heard the tale of the mystical MOMzilla? She is a fiesty creature who only reveals herself during her child’s wedding planning and then reverts to her former mortal human body once the wedding is over, the flowers have been arranged perfectly, and the guests have gone home, happy and full and a little tipsy.
How do we understand what transforms some moms into some version of Moira Rose Schitt? For the record, all family members (not only mothers) are susceptible to crumbling under the emotional strain of a family wedding, leading to uncharacteristic or exaggerated behavior and relational conflicts. Learn more about how to reason with family members like this (and understand the psychology behind this phenomenon) through the link in our bio, and share this post with a friend who needs help with their "Moira" mom!
The Bridechilla is the bride-to-be who feels compelled to act like the cool, chill bride, despite having feelings and desires that are anything but cool and chill. It’s painful to be a Bridechilla—the origins of this tendency are very tender and very old, both societal and personal. On a macro level, the cultural conditioning around what it traditionally means to be a woman demands that we renounce our individual desires and needs for the good of the greater whole. We must sacrifice. We must be selfless. We must not step on toes. We must shut up, smile and look pretty.
If this description is resonating with you, know that there is nothing wrong with being a Bridechilla. Know that if you identify with this, this capacity you’ve developed for scanning your environment to intuit and meet the needs of others is actually a sophisticated way to safeguard your own safety and well-being. Head to our newest blog post (link in bio) to learn more about the bridechilla and a helpful journal prompt!
Cancelled bachelorette parties. (Replaced with Zoom happy hour in which all friends are donning matching tanks? Cute but sad.) Virtual wedding dress shopping. (Umm, who takes your measurements? Unclear. Where do I find a measuring tape?) And postponed weddings... The Coronavirus pandemic has destroyed the best laid plans, wedding plans included. How can “nearlyweds” process how this global trauma has impacted their plans, hopes and dreams for their long-awaited wedding day? The key lies in allowing yourself the space to grieve fully, and then connecting with yourself deeply in order to get really clear about your priorities.
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Let's talk: Social Anxiety. Social anxiety describes an experience in which one becomes excessively fearful of social interactions due to anticipation of being judged or negatively evaluated by others. It isn't just about being nervous or shy; rather, it creates intense emotional pain and can lead to depression, panic attacks, and avoidance of otherwise health-promoting experiences. So, this is a pretty rough thing for anyone to suffer through… and for spouses-to-be, it can be an utter nightmare.
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There are powerful forces at play in your mind, in your psyche, in your body, which are activated during the wedding planning and engagement period. These forces are so powerful, in fact, that they can cause even the most stable among us to regress. During times of stress or change, including awesome changes that we’ve chosen, our psyches depend on our older, tried-and-true coping mechanisms to get us through, even when we’ve developed perhaps more sophisticated or functional coping mechanisms. Here are some tips for honoring your regressed self and inviting the more mature you to take back some control.
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We’ve all heard the horror stories. Some women lose their minds during wedding planning. What monsters.
This characterization of a bride who has turned into a monster during her wedding planning is not only unfair, but it’s damaging to women. The Myth of the Bridezilla is yet another sexist way of labelling women who appear to be overly emotional in the eyes of our patriarchal society as hysterical, irrational, not to be trusted. It is a way of demeaning women for their emotional experiences and implies that women should be better behaved, less demanding, and less feelingful.
Why don't we stop to think: what is it about the engagement and wedding planning process that seemingly transforms so many women into monsters worthy of our contempt? What is it about our culture that produces so much pressure about what this process and that day need to look like?
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Engagement and wedding planning can bring tremendous anxiety because it signals that we’re becoming someone new. A new version of ourselves. With a new title, a new last name (potentially), a new role, and a new place in society. This shift in identity, even if exciting, can also bring uncertainty and a sense of loss.
As my own wedding day drew nearer and nearer, I began to feel incredible anxiety when I thought about becoming a “wife.” In my mind, the traditional archetype of this role felt out of sync with the identity that I had carefully constructed for myself over my thirty-three years of singledom, which was that of an independent, self-sufficient, modern woman. I had a hard time integrating what I thought in my mind was the role of a “wife” into my idea of who I am and who I wanted to be.
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