How to Work with Uncertainty
There is so much uncertainty in the world right now. For engaged couples planning weddings, there is uncertainty around how and if to pick a postponed date, when it will be safe to travel again, how many people they can invite to their celebration. And for all of us who are living in this current unprecedented time of contagion, lockdowns, layoffs and resource shortage, there is uncertainty about even the most basic aspects of daily life - when we can return to work, restaurants and gyms, when our collective health and wellbeing will feel less at risk, when will society return to “normal.” No one knows.
And, despite that these are indeed unprecedented times causing unprecedented uncertainty, it’s worth appreciating that uncertainty is sort of the name of the game when you are a human, and our current state is simply an exaggerated form of the uncertainty that comes with being alive.
We actually never really know what is happening day-to-day, if things are going to go our way, if we are “ok” and our plans will work out. The truth is that things are uncertain all the time. But, we craft illusions of control and certainty because that makes us feel safe. As humans, we are wired to want to know, to want to control. This is a survival instinct!
Since uncertainty is scary and potentially dangerous, and it’s hard to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety, we control what we can, and then convince ourselves that our lives and futures are laid out, predictable. That makes us feel better. And, it's a nice little white lie we tell ourselves. Except that actually, I take that back, it’s not so nice and little and white!! It’s a big lie that can really hurt us! Because when life’s unpredictability inevitability swoops in and knocks us on our derriere, it can feel entirely destabilizing.
So, for my Coronabrides, for my Type A spouses-to-be, for my control freak, anxiety-prone nearlyweds, you are really suffering right now. It’s been shown that those who have a tendency towards anxiety struggle mightily with uncertainty, and even those who have never had anxiety in their lives are perhaps feeling it for the first time under these circumstances.
Here are some practical ways to deal with the current uncertainty and total lack of control. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but nowhere in this list will you see a how-to guide for gaining certainty and control. That’s not possible, so it wouldn’t be helpful. Instead, we’ll work on ways to grow your capacity to tolerate the uncertainty and lessen its negative impact on your daily life.
Acknowledge that the nature of life and reality is uncertainty. It’s time to challenge any myths of control you may hang on to, and get comfortable with this uncomfortable truth. You may need to read the above paragraphs a million times, or do whatever you need to do to dismantle your illusions of certainty.
Mindfulness of emotion: Notice when you are spinning out due to uncertainty. What feelings does it provoke? Fear? Anger? Spend some time actually feeling this feeling, welcoming it, without the narrative that goes along with it (i.e. “I can’t set a new date bc of XYZ”). Just allow the fear, the anger, to be there. Can you bring some kindness to the uncertainty and the unpleasant feelings that accompany it? Can you say to yourself, “this is part of being human and what we have to bear?” This can be a slow process, one day at a time, of getting comfortable with it, and accepting the uncertainty, expanding your tolerance for it through bringing the feelings in close.
Identify unproductive worrying: When we feel a feeling we don’t like, our minds typically begin a stream of chatter and thought trying to make sense of the feeling to make it go away. Guess what. This never works. Literally never. I am not suggesting that you should not problem-solve, but I am suggesting that there is a difference between problem-solving and planning that is done productively and when emotionally regulated, and the rumination (thinking repetitively and replaying a problem over and over again in the mind) that occurs when we are stressed. This rumination is typically unproductive and feeds disruptive emotions. When you notice that you are ruminating, a) STOP and b) wonder to yourself, “What feeling is this rumination trying to help me avoid? Is it working?”
Do focus on what you can control, building routine and structure into your daily life. This can be as simple as establishing a morning ritual, like drinking your coffee while journaling at the start of each day, or it can be more comprehensive.
Notice the things that are certain, and relish in those things. The sun comes up in the morning, and it sets in the evening. The tides come in, and they go out. Spring brings blossoms and greenery. Be intentional about taking in the little things that are easy to take for granted that are constants.
Bring all of the aforementioned steps to any attempts to “re-plan”/plan your wedding:
Now that you’ve gained some understanding of yourself and your individual relationship with uncertainty, assess a) your risk tolerance and b) your priorities. How might you feel if you set a new date this year, and you need to postpone (again)? On the other hand, if you feel like you have gained some tolerance for uncertainty and a higher tolerance for risk, you may be more capable of managing whatever unexpected new obstacles arise. Then, take some time to nonjudgmentally reflect on your priorities, and what really matters. Is your priority to get married ASAP and have a reception at a later date TBD? Or is having the big reception of your dreams something you are not willing to compromise about, even if that means waiting in some uncertainty? Spend some time really getting clear with yourself about what you can realistically deal with.
Given all the information that is available at the current moment, with the above assessment of your risk and uncertainty tolerance, make a plan. Don't be in denial about the fact that this plan could fall through! Do not avoid that potential reality, and in fact get really intimately familiar with the uncertainty that even this plan is simply provisional.