Talking to Parents about Difficult Things

We hear all the time about the strange family dynamics that arise during wedding planning. Often, longstanding parent-child roles change as we become more independent, make our own decisions, and begin to align ourselves with our partner rather than with our family of origin. With difficult issues like the pandemic (and trying to plan a wedding during it!) and the upcoming election at our forefront, disagreements with parents and other family can seem inevitable—but through communication and setting boundaries, tough conversations can feel a little less scary.

Here are some tips for navigating family disagreements and heated convos:

+ In a heated conversation, try to slow everything down.  Often, things escalate in intensity when both parties are feeling emotional, and it's easy to get swept up in the momentum and heat of the feeling.

+ First, notice if/when you are triggered and feeling an emotion.  As soon as you feel this, name it (either to yourself or out loud), and pause the conversation, saying, "I'm noticing I'm feeling [emotion] and I still want to talk, but I need a moment."  Naming the emotion to a person you're in a heated conversation with can be powerful, as it can introduce empathy.

+ Once you feel regulated enough to continue, you might ask your parent to share how they're feeling, what their opinion is, etc.  This might be hard, but it is important to make space for this.

+ As you listen, try to stand back emotionally as an observer, looking at your parent almost as a scientist might, trying to understand why they might be feeling/thinking this way.  What do you know about their past, their history, their story that makes this make sense?

+ Validate them!  EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE OR UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY, reflect back what you've heard and pinpoint the shred of truth that you CAN understand.  Let them know what that is.  Often, validation is the most soothing tonic!!!!

+ Set boundaries directly.  This can sound like:  "While I understand/appreciate your opinion, I see things differently, and this is what I have decided." "I respect you and love you, and do not want to have this conversation anymore." "I feel upset/hurt/mad/sad when you say that to me, and I request that you stop."

Remember that it is natural to get pulled back into old parent-child dynamics from your childhood.  While this force is strong, it is totally in your power to intentionally shift this dynamic to embody the adult that you have become.