What Do "Wife,” “Spouse,” & “Husband” Mean to You? How Engagement Impacts Identity
What comes to mind when you think of the words “wife",” “husband,” “spouse” and “life partner”? Do you think of one of your own parents? A grandparent? Yourself? Some archetype that feels a bit vague, a bit removed?
Engagement and wedding planning can bring tremendous anxiety because it signals that we’re becoming someone new. A new version of ourselves. With a new title, a new last name (potentially), a new role, and a new place in society. This shift in identity, even if exciting, can also bring uncertainty and a sense of loss.
As my own wedding day drew nearer and nearer, I began to feel incredible anxiety when I thought about becoming a “wife.” In my mind, the traditional archetype of this role felt out of sync with the identity that I had carefully constructed for myself over my thirty-three years of singledom, which was that of an independent, self-sufficient, modern woman. I had a hard time integrating what I thought in my mind was the role of a “wife” into my idea of who I am and who I wanted to be.
What is identity and why does it matter? Identity encompasses the memories, experiences, relationships, and values that create one’s sense of self. Identity creates a steady sense of who one is over time, even as new facets are developed and incorporated into one's identity. Anytime our identity changes, even if it’s in a positive direction, it is common to experience some sense of groundlessness or anxiety!
It took a lot of work for me to process and understand some important aspects of my experience. First, we all inherit a sort of social and cultural grooming based on longstanding norms about who we “should” be, what a “wife” or “husband” looks like, even if those norms are not aligned with our personal values...and that can amount to a ton of confusion and pressure. Secondly, any time we are transitioning through a life stage that affects our identity, we will naturally feel shaky about our identity, about what it means for who we are and who we believe ourselves to be. For me, being a “wife” meant in some way being part of a couple in which my partner would be implicitly superior to me, so this shift in identity felt like being assigned to a new place in the social order that did not feel comfortable for me. I thought about how, despite that my now husband is very progressive and supportive, it will likely still be me that takes the brunt of childrearing and whose career might be sacrificed if we decided to have kids. This left me with a strong sense of unease and anxiety, which I worked with in my therapy, talked about and processed a lot, until I managed to tolerate the unease and anxiety such that it wasn’t paralyzing me.
It’s important to note that this exact example might not resonate with you, and that’s ok. You might feel totally thrilled with the idea of the new role you are moving into, and it might feel completely aligned with your vision of who you are becoming, a welcome shift in identity. If that’s the case, that is wonderful! And, even so, I am willing to bet that there are some ways in which specific aspects of the identity shift cause a little pinch in your nervous system. One of my friends who was getting married was over the moon excited to become a wife, but when it came time to change her last name (which she had intentionally decided to do and felt absolutely right for her), she found herself feeling awkward and sad about shedding her family name, a family she cherishes deeply.
If you’re engaged, I invite you to acknowledge for yourself that this engagement time is essentially a phase of identity limbo -- you’re not the single, unattached person you once were, not yet the married, forever-partnered person you’re about to become. If you’re feeling anxious, shaky, excited, whatever it may be, wonder to yourself, what about this identity shift is scary? What’s coming up for me? If you don’t know, that’s fine! Try to cultivate a quality of curiosity and gentleness with yourself. And remember -- you have agency to determine who you want to become.