The Bridechilla: Why It's Hard for Some Brides to Ask for What They Want

Contrasted with the stereotype of the Bridezilla, the Bridechilla is the bride-to-be who feels compelled to act like the cool, chill bride, despite having feelings and desires that are anything but cool and chill. Bridechillas come in two flavors. Some Bridechillas know what they want and need but feel scared to assert themselves, resulting in compliance with the opinions and priorities of others. They may stifle their own voices and be hypervigilant and hyperattentive to the voices and attitudes of the people in their lives. You might have a brilliant fantasy of your bridesmaids donned in your favorite mint green, but check in with each bridesmaids first to ensure that they like this, and when they push back, quickly set your own dream of mint green bridal party aside to accommodate the wishes of the pack. The other flavor is the Bridechilla who has felt the need to comply for so long, that she might not even know what her preferences are, having become so practiced in suppressing her own wants.

It’s painful to be a Bridechilla. The origins of this tendency are very tender and very old, both societal and personal. On a macro level, the cultural conditioning around what it traditionally means to be a woman demands that we renounce our individual desires and needs for the good of the greater whole. We must sacrifice. We must be selfless. We must not step on toes. We must shut up, smile and look pretty. We have been trained to placate since before we were born, by a society who wins by controlling us. On a personal level, the bridechilla is often born in families in which children feel that they must appease one of their parents for fear that they could lose a parent’s love if they do not. These children become compliant to a fault, knowing instinctively what has to be done to ensure that they do not lose their connection with a primary caregiver and sacrificing the self to accomplish this.

The Bridechilla is the bridal counterpart to the Cool Girl trope of dating culture, the facade in which women feel like we have to act in this compliant, aloof way in order not to scare away men (or potential partners of any gender). If you were a Cool Girl, it’s possible you’re a Bridechilla too.

If this description is resonating with you, know that there is nothing wrong with being a Bridechilla. Know that if you identify with this, this capacity you’ve developed for scanning your environment to intuit and meet the needs of others is actually a sophisticated way to safeguard your own safety and well-being. Yes, it may at times be very painful to know what you want and feel like you can’t ask for it, like it’s too risky to ask for it. And, getting what you want may or may not be as important as maintaining significant relationships.

Feel free to explore this topic on your own by asking yourself the below questions and contemplating what comes up for you. Highly recommend grabbing your favorite journal and writing what comes to mind.