Dismantling Wedding Gender Roles: Part 1
How familiar does this dynamic sound: The bride-figure creates the Pinterest boards, starts brainstorming with their friends, begins research for vendors—the groom-figure takes a step back to "support" and give their "approval" when necessary. The bride stresses about family dynamics, table settings, and *the* dress—the groom offers his advice but may be shut down or dismissed. When the wedding is done, the bride reflects on what she could have done to make the day smoother, and feels responsible for any issues or mishaps.
These traditional gender roles are not only antiquated, but they can also be dangerous to each individual in a couple, as well as to the relationship itself. These long-standing gender-based stereotypes keep each gender limited in how they should think, feel, and act, confined to playing a part that has been set forth FOR you, with no consideration for WHO you are and HOW you'd like to be in the world. What if you'd like to be a bride who doesn't care about the dress? What if you'd like to be a groom who cares deeply about the color palette? Gender role expectations make it harder to be your individual, unique self; it might not even occur to you that you have a say in determining these things, because the path seems clear-cut and defined!
Furthermore, it can feel terrible when we see ourselves as not "living up to" these weird, old standards. I've heard from many women who have felt that their capacity to pull off a perfect, fairytale wedding is a measurement of their success as a woman in the world, worried that they would be seen as an inadequate failure if it was anything less than that.Not only do wedding gender roles stifle individuality, but they also breed resentment in relationship. Because the traditional bride-figure tends to feel and thus assume so much responsibility for the wedding, and actually find it easier to do so rather than asking the partner to take on some share, she may end up feeling exhausted, stressed, lonely, and thus resentful for the work. When pulling off a perfect wedding becomes an indictment on your identity, it can feel like something you must go alone, which can be a very isolating experience. All of this can cut you off from your partner and prevent connection and intimacy.
What to do about all this? We'll be following up with actionable tips for working with this dynamic over the next ten days, so be sure to check back for Parts 2 & 3 of this series!